Feelings First: Understanding the Emotion Behind the Behaviour
Why Your Child's Behaviour Is Trying to Tell You Something
One of the most misunderstood parenting truths is this: behind every behaviour is a feeling. And when we learn to look beneath the surface, when we shift from managing behaviour to understanding emotion, everything changes.
The reality is, behaviour is often the only way kids know how to communicate big emotions. The hitting, yelling, shutting down—it’s not manipulation. It’s a signal. Understanding this emotional layer is the first step in helping your child thrive. And the best part? You don’t need a PHD, just a little curiosity, a lot of patience, and a few tools.
What Emotion Lies Underneath the Behaviour?
Think of behaviour as the tip of an iceberg. The CBT Triangle suggests that our thoughts shape our feelings, which in turn influence our behaviours, and these behaviours can feed back into our thoughts, creating a continuous cycle.
What you see on the surface might be a tantrum, defiance, or withdrawal. But just beneath that is an emotional world your child may not have the words for—fear, sadness, anxiety, loneliness, or overstimulation.
Kids aren’t born with emotional regulation skills. A meltdown over the “wrong” coloured cup might actually be about needing autonomy, attention, or predictability. A 10-year-old child snapping after school might be carrying feelings of failure, exclusion, or sensory overload.
Why Emotional Intelligence in Parenting Matters
We live in a world of go-go-go, and we don’t tend to teach our children how to calm themselves down. So, how do we help our children regulate their emotions and shift their behaviours? This is where emotional intelligence (EQ) comes in.
When an outburst happens, pause before reacting. Start by checking in with yourself. Are you calm and emotionally regulated? If not, your child won’t be able to regulate either. Our nervous systems co-regulate. Your calm is their calm.
Once you’ve grounded yourself, we are going to think about three things:
What might my child be feeling?
What might they need?
How can I show up for them in this moment so they feel safe and validated?
When we feel safe and validated, that is when change can happen.
Curiosity First, Then Validation
Instead of assuming what your child feels, get curious. Say, “I can see you’re upset. I wonder if you’re feeling frustrated or maybe overwhelmed?”
Be genuinely curious. As a parent, it's easy to assume your child is feeling a certain way, but let them fill in the blanks. When they feel heard, their nervous system begins to settle. Once they start naming their emotions, validate them. That doesn’t mean you approve of the behaviour; it means you acknowledge the feeling behind it.
Validation might sound like:
“You’re feeling frustrated—it’s hard when things don’t go your way.”
“It's really hard when you have to stop playing. That feels disappointing, huh?”
Or, “You were trying to show me something with your body. Let’s try to find the words instead.”
When a child feels seen, their behaviour begins to shift, often without the need for discipline at all.
Redirect with Connection, Not Control
Once your child feels heard and their nervous system is calmer, you can gently redirect their behaviour.
For example, “I get that it’s disappointing to leave the playground. I feel that way when I leave something I enjoy, too. Running away isn’t safe, though. How could we make leaving feel a little easier next time?”
Invite your child into the solution. You might suggest a five-minute warning, or better yet, ask them what might help. When kids participate in problem-solving, they build intrinsic motivation to behave differently next time. Not because we told them to, but because they want to.
Look for Patterns to Support Emotional Regulation
Outside of those emotionally intense moments, it helps to become a behaviour detective. When do meltdowns tend to happen? Is your child dysregulated after school, during transitions, at bedtime, or when hungry or tired?
By spotting patterns, you can better prepare and support your child proactively. Sometimes, just understanding the context is enough to create change. You don’t need to “fix” the behaviour when you focus on the feeling; the behaviour will begin to shift all on its own.
Build EQ Every Day with Simple Tools
You can support your child's emotional regulation at home by connecting with them. Remember, connect then redirect. And you don’t need to wait for a meltdown to support your child’s emotional growth. You can incorporate emotional intelligence into your daily family life.
Try regular “feelings check-ins” at dinner or bedtime. Normalise telling each other when a feeling arises and encourage your child to name how they’re feeling. Use books or TV shows as conversation starters: “What do you think that character was feeling? Why?”
Roleplay with puppets if you have younger children, or try “feelings charades” to help older kids. And most importantly, model emotional awareness yourself. Share your feelings throughout the day. “I felt nervous before that meeting,” or “I felt disappointed when plans changed.”
Children learn emotional regulation by watching you.
Take the Tools and Make Them Work for Your Family
Every child and every family is different. It’s about taking these tools and adapting them to suit you and your children. Make them work for your world; otherwise, you’ll find they’re not sustainable over time.
As parents, it’s important to remember that we need to start small. We can’t fix every behaviour all at once. And it’s not your job to fix a feeling, but to make space for your child to feel and help them to regulate.
Lead with curiosity and validation, use that connection, and watch the positive change unfold before you.
Remember—your child isn’t giving you a hard time. They’re having a hard time. And now, you’ve got the tools to meet them there.
🖤 Dr. H
Want more? Check out the Raising EQ Podcast.
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