Starting School: Building Emotional Intelligence Through One of Life’s First Big Transitions
Starting school is a milestone moment. For children, it’s a leap into a world of new routines, people, and expectations. For parents, it’s a mix of pride, anxiety, and the bittersweet realisation that their little one is growing up.
This transition isn’t just about school supplies and lunch boxes—it's a powerful opportunity to nurture emotional intelligence (EQ) in both children and caregivers. Here's how you can approach the start of school with intention, empathy, and practical tools to build resilience, connection, and confidence.
What is Emotional Intelligence?
Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognise, understand, express, and regulate emotions—both your own and others’. For children, developing EQ helps them manage separation, navigate friendships, and handle the big feelings that come with new experiences. For parents, it’s about modelling emotional awareness and offering co-regulation during this vulnerable time.
Acknowledge the Emotions — All of Them
This is a time that brings out a lot of emotions in our children, but really in us as parents. That means we may feel that we want to suppress or fix the emotions. Instead of this, try to create space to talk about feelings without trying to fix them immediately. Try saying:
“It’s okay to feel nervous about school. Want to tell me what you’re thinking?” or “I remember feeling scared when I started something new, too.”
Why it matters: Validating emotions builds trust and helps kids learn that feelings aren’t “bad”—they’re just information. This lays the groundwork for emotional awareness.
Establish Predictable Routines
Routines and boundaries help children feel safe. Have you ever noticed that people sit in the same seat even when they aren’t assigned? This is because the brain likes the familiar; it feels safe. By establishing and practising routines before the new school starts, your children will feel safer and more confident on the first day and beyond. A great way to do this is to create a simple visual schedule for mornings and evenings. Use pictures or drawings if your child can’t read yet.
Why it matters: Consistency reduces anxiety. Knowing what comes next helps children feel safe and in control, especially in unfamiliar situations like starting school.
Practice Calm-Down Strategies Ahead of Time
Starting school for the first time or the 12th year will bring out a lot of emotions in your child. This is because it is a big transition, and transitions can be tricky, no matter how many times we engage in them. That is why I love using self-regulation tools for support. Try the following tools:
“Smell the flower, blow out the candle” or “Five Finger Breathing” (deep breathing)
A calm-down corner at home with a soft pillow, a favourite book, or a sensory toy
Using a mantra like “I can do hard things” or “I am brave
Why it matters: Practising regulation tools before a meltdown gives kids something to draw on in real moments of overwhelm. It also shows them that emotions are manageable.
Role-Play Common Scenarios
If you follow me, you know I love play and find it to be the best tool parents have. Play is a great way to get ready for school! Try using pretend play to walk through situations like:
Saying goodbye at drop-off
Asking for help
Meeting a new friend
Why it matters: Role-playing reduces uncertainty and builds social-emotional confidence. Kids feel more prepared when they’ve “been there” before—even in play.
Strengthen the Connection at Home
I love when I see this tool change family dynamics. We often forget how much we need connection. Rituals are a great way to connect, even without thinking about it. Try creating “connection rituals” before and after school, like:
A special goodbye handshake or a matching heart drawn on your hands
A 10-minute undistracted playtime after pickup. Listen to my episode on Special Playtime
A feelings check-in at dinner - something that made you laugh, something that was tricky, and something you are excited for tomorrow
Why it matters: Transitions are easier when your child feels connected to you. These small, predictable moments help children feel secure, especially when they’re navigating big changes.
Check in With Yourself, Too
Self-awareness is key! Often, we don’t even realise that we are passing on our feelings to our children. Not only that, but we can also use this as a teaching moment to help ourselves and our children become more emotionally aware. Practice self-reflection with questions like:
“What’s coming up for me emotionally as my child starts school?”
“Am I projecting any fears or expectations onto my child?”
Why it matters: Children are incredibly attuned to our emotional state. By managing your own emotions and practising self-compassion, you become a calm anchor for your child.
Remember: This Is a Process, Not a Performance
You don’t need to get it perfect. Starting school isn’t just a moment—it’s a journey of adjustment, full of ups, downs, and growth for everyone involved.
Every time you show up with empathy, offer space for emotions, and stay connected, you’re modelling the kind of emotional intelligence that will serve your child for life.
Want more support?
Tune in to Episode 12 of the Raising EQ Podcast, where we sit down with a parent navigating this very transition. Hear real stories, practical tips, and emotional insights to help you feel grounded and empowered as your child starts school. You can also check out Episode 14 of the Raising EQ Podcast, where I give you 5 simple tools to support you in making school a calm transition.
🖤 Dr. H